In healthy relationships people commit do their best to love and respect themselves and their partner till death do they part. They make love and respect unconditional and whether or not they have sex, share finances, live together or stay married is decided based on they can find a good enough (and usually getting better) ways of negotiating how to do these things.
In unhealthy relationships people feel they must stay together no matter what. Like most people they start off well, but start lowering their standards over time. The more they lower their standards the more dependent they feel on one another, but the less love and respect they have for themselves and the other. The less love and respect they have for themselves the more rubbish they are willing to put up with; and the less love and respect they have for their partner the more justified they feel in treating them poorly.
Healthy relationships get better over time because couples have reasonable expectations of one another to which they hold one another. They stay together, because it is good enough and getting better. Each partner knows that allow although their partner is forgiving to a point they will not tolerate too much disrespectful or unloving behaviour.
Keys to co-creating a healthy relationship
In unhealthy relationships people feel they must stay together no matter what. Like most people they start off well, but start lowering their standards over time. The more they lower their standards the more dependent they feel on one another, but the less love and respect they have for themselves and the other. The less love and respect they have for themselves the more rubbish they are willing to put up with; and the less love and respect they have for their partner the more justified they feel in treating them poorly.
Healthy relationships get better over time because couples have reasonable expectations of one another to which they hold one another. They stay together, because it is good enough and getting better. Each partner knows that allow although their partner is forgiving to a point they will not tolerate too much disrespectful or unloving behaviour.
Keys to co-creating a healthy relationship
- Make time for one another. Your most valuable gift is your time and attention. Little frequent checkins are as important as dates, weekends away and shared activities.
- Demonstrate your love, and warmth through words, actions, affection, gifts and favours. Respond in kind when your partner does. Build virtuous cycles of love and generosity, rather than vicious cycles of fear and anger.
- Be curious about your partner. Never assume you know them as they are always changing and getting to know themselves. Ask questions as a way of showing your interest in getting to know them more intimately.
- Share your internal world and life experiences. Find out if they like who you are, rather than trying to present an image you think they will like.
- Create and maintain simple rituals that remind each of you of your love for one another.
- Do your best to treat your partner with love and respect, request the same from them. Have good manners (please, thank you, etc).Notice what is good and express your gratitude and appreciation.
- Embrace change. Accept that people and relationships change over time. Let your partner influence your for the better and help you become a more well-rounded person.
- Offer and ask for support and help. Don’t assume they want your help (that can seem demeaning) or will automatically help you.
- Communicate regularly what you want and expect from one another and be willing to negotiate and compromise. Be clear about what is not negotiable.
- Stay aware of what you both want and find ways of creating these experiences. Have a mutual agreement about the reasons you are together.
- Be responsible for your own wellbeing. Live a life that is fulfilling so you aren’t dependent on your partner for your happiness.
- Have realistic expectations. Realise no one will ever live up to your ideals. Discover if the relationship is good enough and getting better or if your just not suited.
- Make requests not demands. Relating is a choice, not a requirement. Offer invitations that are difficult to refuse.
- Learn to be empathetic and be willing to see things from your partner’s perspective. Listen and speak with your head and your heart.
- Take responsibility for your emotions, words and actions no matter what your partner does. Learn to soothe yourself. No blame and no excuses.
- Learn to be flexible and willing to adapt. There has always got to be a better way.
- Keep your promises and commitments. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Be honest.
- Remember that relationships are a learning process and they get better over time when we are willing to learn from mistakes and coach one another on what we prefer.
- Be honest and accepting about who you are and what you want and encourage your partner to be honest about who they are and what they want. You can’t fake love and respect.
- Learn to resolve conflicts
- Negotiate when it is a good time to talk about concerns or unresolved conflicts.
- Be willing to have time out when either partner feels the conversation isn’t progressing.
- Communicate your love and respect for your partner even while letting them now there are things they are saying or doing that you don’t like.
- Really listen and give them your undivided attention. Listen for the love and vulnerability behind their words.
- Let your partner speak for themselves. Don’t put words in their mouths.
- Start your sentences with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’.
- Keep focussed with the agreed upon topic. Allow yourself to be brought back when you have strayed.
- Be willing to admit when you have made a mistake and apologise.
- Be aware of your assumptions and remember to check them out. Many conflicts are caused from faulty assumptions.
- Ask for help if you need it. Healthy relationships aren’t afraid to ask for help.
- Be willing to compromise in order find a win/win solution. Always look for what is best for you and your partner over the greatest period of time.
- Be willing to agree to disagree about the small stuff, and temporarily about the ‘bottom lines’.
- Be willing to forgive and let go of resentments. Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.
- Remind yourself and your partner if you can’t find mutually satisfying solutions that you don’t have to be together.
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