Intimacy is the most natural effortless experience two people can have and yet it is also very difficult for many people to experience and to maintain in long-term relationships and marriage.

Intimacy can be experienced in different ways including through touch, verbally, sexually and eye contact. However, touching, talking, lovemaking and eye contact is necessarily intimate. We have all had conversations that weren’t intimate or been touched in ways that weren’t intimate. Who hasn’t had sex that wasn’t very intimate? The degree of intimacy experienced in any situation is determined by the degree of openness and engagement each person brings to the interaction.

The essence of intimacy between lovers is the experience of really being with one another. The keyword being being. The more we can really let ourselves be, the more we can really let ourselves be with another person. Our sense of being is our sense of presence. Our ability to be aware in the here and now to our inner experience and to our immediate experience of our partner determines how intimate we feel.

Intimacy depends on honesty. And the honesty begins within oneself. You can only be as honest with someone else as you are with yourself. We feel closest to the people we have secrets with and most distant from the people we keep secrets from.

People have a hard time being honest with themselves and others when they fear the ramifications of their actions, feelings and desires. Or the think what they are experiencing is wrong, or they fear the other person will judge them negatively. To allow ourselves to experience greater intimacy often feels like an risk. It means admitting things to ourselves that we may have learned to deny. Then opening up to another person, knowing they may not respond in kind or like what we share with them.

There can be intimacy at different levels of experience.

• Intimacy can come with the sharing of ideas. This occurs when people are openly sharing their ideas and are open-minded to hearing the others ideas.
• Intimacy can come with the sharing of emotions. This occurs when people are openly sharing their emotions and are open-hearted to hearing their partner’s emotions.
• Intimacy can happen in sharing a hug. This occurs when each person allows t their heart to open and body awareness to enjoy the warmth and human presence of their partner.
• Intimacy can happen with any sort of touch, but the touch is only as intimate as the presence in the touch and the presence the touch is received. This is also true for sexual touching and intercourse.

Routine is a great dampener to intimacy. Intimacy is always fresh and in the moment. Intimacy is lost when we are going through the motions of what we shared before. Intimacy occurs when we are open to the uniqueness of this moment and what is arising within us in relation to the other.

It is common for couples to become less intimate over time. This generally occurs when the idea of being together has become more important than the quality of their being together. For fear of upsetting their partner they are less honest with things that might be bothering them or asking them for something that is out of the ordinary. Everyone has limits on how comfortable they are with intimacy.

Overtime we exhaust the novel ways we can easily share with our partners. For intimacy to continue it must deepen. What was an intimate sharing at one time eventually becomes just an old story, or a broken record emotion or a worn out sexual routine. However the degree of intimacy is not determined necessarily by what we say or do, but the degree of presence we do it with. Saying I love you, gazing into your partner’s eyes or sharing a hug are simple activities that can feel dead or really come alive depending how much of ourselves we bring to those moments.

To become more intimate with our partners we must become more intimate with ourselves. We must be willing to find out who were are when we are not caught in the social conditioning we have adopted to adapt to living in a world that has not always been receptive to us speaking, expressing and acting what is true for us. People who grow up with parents that are more concerned with obedient behaviour and keeping up with appearances will have more difficulty being intimate than people whose parents were genuinely concerned about their children’s uniqueness and emotional well being.

The desire for intimacy is the desire to know and experience ourselves deeply and to be known and experienced deeply by another. This is simple because it requires us simply being ourselves in the close proximity to another, but it is one of the most difficult things for us to do because it requires us to face all the shame, fear, hurt and resentment that get in our way of open and undefended with ourselves and others.

To support intimacy in your relationship

• Make time to be together.
• Commit to being honest.
• See your relationship as a vehicle for getting to know yourself and heal old emotional wounds.
• Practice bringing your full attention to your heart and hands when you touch or hug.
• Take time on your own to meditate or write in a journal, and then share what you get in touch with, with your partner.
• Play and have fun together.
• Make gentle eye contact, let your mind settle and allow for silence.
• Show your vulnerability.
• Ask for what you want and ask your partner what you can do for them.
• Hug until relaxed and keep relaxing until you enjoy the hug.
• If you don’t feel close, let your partner know that you want to be more intimate, and share what is getting in your way. Or ask them what is getting in their way.
• Commit random acts of kindness.
• Get help from a good relationship counsellor who communicates with you and your partner in away that promotes intimacy.
• Ask your loving heart to show you the way.

Please contact Eric if you have any questions.

For more than 25 years Eric Lyleson, MA, psychologist has been helping people give up smoking using and integration of CBT, Hypnotherapy and Mindfulness with remarkable results.

Standard treatment for most patients is 2 – 4 fifty-minute sessions. Most people who have difficulty giving up cigarettes are using cigarettes to manage psychological problems such as anxiety, stress and anger. This is also reflected in the reports of why people go back to smoking during stressful or emotional times.

Lyleson’s approach addresses these problems as part of an integrative approach, which makes it easier for people to give up smoking and stay a non-smoker for life. Many people can give up after one session, but it is important to have at least one session to deal with the triggers that could cause a person to start up again.

Over 95 percent of patients using this method do so without the use of nicotine patches or Zyban or Champix.

SELF-ASSESSMENT

To know if you are appropriate for this program it can be useful to ask:

·      Do you smoke as a way of managing anxiety, anger or stress?
·      Do you feel anxious or stressed even at the thought of giving up smoking?
·      Have you had difficulty managing anxiety, sadness, stress or anger when you have tried to stop smoking?

Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy (CBH) is an integrated psychological therapy employing clinical hypnosis and cognitive behavioural therapy. The use of CBT in conjunction with hypnotherapy may result in greater treatment effectiveness. A meta-analysis of eight different researches revealed "a 70% greater improvement" for patients undergoing an integrated treatment to those using CBT only.

Kirsch, I.; Montgomery, G.; Sapperstein, G. "Hypnosis as an adjunct to cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy: A meta analysis". Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 63: 214–220.

Intimacy is the most natural effortless experience two people can have and yet it is also very difficult for many people to experience and to maintain in long-term relationships and marriage.

Intimacy can be experienced in different ways including through touch, verbally, sexually and eye contact. However, touching, talking, lovemaking and eye contact is necessarily intimate. We have all had conversations that weren’t intimate or been touched in ways that weren’t intimate. Who hasn’t had sex that wasn’t very intimate? The degree of intimacy experienced in any situation is determined by the degree of openness and engagement each person brings to the interaction.

The essence of intimacy between lovers is the experience of really being with one another. The keyword being being. The more we can really let ourselves be, the more we can really let ourselves be with another person. Our sense of being is our sense of presence. Our ability to be aware in the here and now to our inner experience and to our immediate experience of our partner determines how intimate we feel.

Intimacy depends on honesty. And the honesty begins within oneself. You can only be as honest with someone else as you are with yourself. We feel closest to the people we have secrets with and most distant from the people we keep secrets from.

People have a hard time being honest with themselves and others when they fear the ramifications of their actions, feelings and desires. Or the think what they are experiencing is wrong, or they fear the other person will judge them negatively. To allow ourselves to experience greater intimacy often feels like an risk. It means admitting things to ourselves that we may have learned to deny. Then opening up to another person, knowing they may not respond in kind or like what we share with them.

There can be intimacy at different levels of experience.

• Intimacy can come with the sharing of ideas. This occurs when people are openly sharing their ideas and are open-minded to hearing the others ideas.
• Intimacy can come with the sharing of emotions. This occurs when people are openly sharing their emotions and are open-hearted to hearing their partner’s emotions.
• Intimacy can happen in sharing a hug. This occurs when each person allows t their heart to open and body awareness to enjoy the warmth and human presence of their partner.
• Intimacy can happen with any sort of touch, but the touch is only as intimate as the presence in the touch and the presence the touch is received. This is also true for sexual touching and intercourse.

Routine is a great dampener to intimacy. Intimacy is always fresh and in the moment. Intimacy is lost when we are going through the motions of what we shared before. Intimacy occurs when we are open to the uniqueness of this moment and what is arising within us in relation to the other.

It is common for couples to become less intimate over time. This generally occurs when the idea of being together has become more important than the quality of their being together. For fear of upsetting their partner they are less honest with things that might be bothering them or asking them for something that is out of the ordinary. Everyone has limits on how comfortable they are with intimacy.

Overtime we exhaust the novel ways we can easily share with our partners. For intimacy to continue it must deepen. What was an intimate sharing at one time eventually becomes just an old story, or a broken record emotion or a worn out sexual routine. However the degree of intimacy is not determined necessarily by what we say or do, but the degree of presence we do it with. Saying I love you, gazing into your partner’s eyes or sharing a hug are simple activities that can feel dead or really come alive depending how much of ourselves we bring to those moments.

To become more intimate with our partners we must become more intimate with ourselves. We must be willing to find out who were are when we are not caught in the social conditioning we have adopted to adapt to living in a world that has not always been receptive to us speaking, expressing and acting what is true for us. People who grow up with parents that are more concerned with obedient behaviour and keeping up with appearances will have more difficulty being intimate than people whose parents were genuinely concerned about their children’s uniqueness and emotional well being.

The desire for intimacy is the desire to know and experience ourselves deeply and to be known and experienced deeply by another. This is simple because it requires us simply being ourselves in the close proximity to another, but it is one of the most difficult things for us to do because it requires us to face all the shame, fear, hurt and resentment that get in our way of open and undefended with ourselves and others.

To support intimacy in your relationship

• Make time to be together.
• Commit to being honest.
• See your relationship as a vehicle for getting to know yourself and heal old emotional wounds.
• Practice bringing your full attention to your heart and hands when you touch or hug.
• Take time on your own to meditate or write in a journal, and then share what you get in touch with, with your partner.
• Play and have fun together.
• Make gentle eye contact, let your mind settle and allow for silence.
• Show your vulnerability.
• Ask for what you want and ask your partner what you can do for them.
• Hug until relaxed and keep relaxing until you enjoy the hug.
• If you don’t feel close, let your partner know that you want to be more intimate, and share what is getting in your way. Or ask them what is getting in their way.
• Commit random acts of kindness.
• Get help from a good relationship counsellor who communicates with you and your partner in away that promotes intimacy.
• Ask your loving heart to show you the way.

What tips can you suggest?

The Dalai Lama encouraged research on the brain and meditation at the Waisman Laboratory for Brain Imaging and Behavior at the University of Wisconsin. The primary types of meditation studied were Focused Attention (FA) meditation, which entails voluntary focusing attention on a chosen object in a sustained fashion, and Open Monitoring (OM) meditation, which involves non-reactively monitoring the content of experience from moment-to-moment. These styles are found with some variation in several meditation systems, including the Buddhist Vipassanā and Mahāmudrā.

Lutz and Davidson (2010) found the electroencephalograms (EEG) of meditators showed higher gamma activity levels than the control group, leading to the conclusion that meditation, when practiced over time can alter the structure and function of the brain.

Expert meditators also showed less activation than novices in the amygdala in response to emotional sounds. This supports the idea that meditation can lead to a decrease in emotionally reactive behavior.

Another study found that meditators are able to better attend moment-to-moment to the stream of sensory phenomena and are less likely to “get stuck” in any one pattern of thinking (worrying, regretting, etc.).

Richard Davidson and John Kabat-Zinn (2003), found out that those practicing mindfulness meditation acquired an increased frontal lobe activity, more specifically in the left anterior portion of the frontal lobes, which is associated with positive attitude and positive emotions.

Research also suggests that meditation increase the level of serotonin production (Walton, 1995). Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that affects mood and behaviour and more specifically, the feeling of wellbeing. Low levels of serotonin are associated with various psychological disorders, such as depression, obesity, insomnia, migraine headaches, narcolepsy, sleep apnea, premenstrual syndrome, and fibromyalgia.

Meditation has also been shown to affect the level of melatonin (Tooley et al., 2000). This neurotransmitter controls body's circadian rhythm and helps regulate hormones. And some other research shows mediation can have anti-carcinogen and immune system enhancing effects (Grin, Grünberger, 1998).

In other words, science is now validating what meditators have been benefitting from for thousands of years. You can change your brain and your life simply by practicing meditation.

Ten Reasons to Not Meditate

What’s your excuse?

1. I’m too busy keeping myself busy to stop and meditate. Whenever I slow down I feel anxious or depressed so I keep myself constantly busy.

One of the major reasons people feel stressed anxious and depressed is they don’t have enough time to relax and get in touch with a sense of inner peace and freedom. When we first start to meditate we often get in touch with the underlying fears and unhappiness that has been driving us. With meditation you can learn to be more effortless with your activities and more comfortable relaxing when it is time to slow down.

2. I don’t know how to meditate. I feel like I have to know how to meditate before I could go to a meditation class, because everyone there will probably already know how to meditate.

The most important attitude to cultivate in meditation is called ‘beginners mind’. Beginners mind is the quality of being open and curious about what is happening in the present moment. Having less knowledge about meditation can be of an advantage. Most people who come to my classes have never meditated before, but even the ones that have need to unlearn some of the concepts that get in the way of really getting in-tune with themselves.

3. I tried meditating, but I could not stop my mind from thinking so I gave up.

Trying to stop our minds is just the thinking mind thinking more about how to stop itself. This tends to lead to an even busier mind. The purpose of meditation is not to stop thinking; rather it is to not be continually caught up in thinking. With meditation you learn to sit in the inner silence and stillness that allows thoughts to come and go, but remains untouched by the thoughts.

4. I tried meditating a couple of times and it did nothing for me.

You wouldn’t expect to go to the gym and expect to get fit after a couple of visits, or strum a guitar a couple times and be able to play music. The real benefits of meditation become more apparent over time.

5. I’m not flexible enough to sit on the floor cross-legged.

Meditation can be done in any position. Most people in my classes sit in comfortable chairs. Cushions are provided if you want to sit on the floor.

6. Only hippies and spiritual types meditate.

Many athletes meditate before a competition. More and more executives and people in high-pressure jobs take time for meditation. One successful businessman told me meditation helped him hone his intuition about generating business and dealing effectively with people.

7. I think it is a waste of time.

People who meditate because they are calm and clearheaded don’t waste as much time over-thinking and worrying. Meditation helps you become more aware of what matters most so you waste less time in activities like watching television.

8. I’m in too much physical pain or discomfort to meditate.

In some cases meditation can help people get more in touch with what their body needs and then take better care of it so that it doesn’t feel so uncomfortable. Although meditation may not change chronic pain studies show that meditation can change your attitude and perception of pain. So although it may still be there, it is not as much of a problem.

9. It’s boring.

Many of us are addicted to the seeking of happiness and the more possessions or pleasurable experiences we accumulate the more we want. With meditation we learn to appreciate the richness of being alive and enjoy what is happening in each moment. With mindfulness food tastes better, music sounds richer, sex is more pleasurable nature looks more beautiful, etc.

10. I always fall asleep when I try to meditate

Many people fall asleep when they first start to meditate because the only time they slow down and close their eyes is when they sleep. Meditation helps you learn how be relaxed and alert. Many people are too stressed to sleep well so they are sleep deprived and when they stop long enough to relax their tiredness catches up with them. Meditators sleep better, and tend to need less sleep.

I would love to hear your excuses.  The more the better and the more logical the better.

What is Mindfulness?

Allowing yourself to be consciously aware of your immediate experience in an open-minded, curious and unguarded way.




Why Develop Mindfulness?

• Gain freedom from boredom and engage in life more fully.
• Escape your thoughts and enjoy heightened sensory awareness.
• Lessen the suffering caused by physical pain and discover how to live more comfortably in your own skin.
• Less troubled by difficulties and greater appreciation for the simple pleasures of life.
• Less troubled by disturbing emotions, and opening to deep inner peace and acceptance.
• Get out of your head and become more in tune with your body. 
• Step out of the frantic busyness of life and realize the joy of letting yourself be.
• Relax out of bad habits and become more open to creative solutions arising spontaneously.

                                                   The Basics of Mindfulness Meditation

1. Set aside time in which you will not be disturbed. Give yourself enough time to really settle in, but not so long that it feels too demanding. 
2. Choose a comfortable place that is relatively free from distractions, and inspiring and calming if possible.
3. Take a moment to remember how you can benefit yourself from meditating.  And how you will have more to offer others as a consequence.
4. Assume a balanced upright posture with a feeling of stability and strength.  Letting your skeleton support you with your musculature relaxed.
5. Allow your body to make ongoing adjustments in order to discover the greatest sense of comfort and
6. Let your eyes be closed or half open and softly focussed and resting about 45 degrees in front of you.
7. Allow yourself to be wide-awake, alert and relaxed and comfortable all at the same time.
8. Notice the subtle movements of your body while you breathe. Allow yourself to become more relaxed and alert with the coming and going of each breath.
9. Allow thoughts to come and go, but rest as the field of awareness in which they come and go within.
10. Allow body sensations to come and go, but rest as the field of awareness in which they come and go within.
11. Allow emotions to come and go, but rest as the field of awareness in which they come and go within.
12. Allow sounds to come and go, but rest as the field of awareness in which they come and go within.
13. When you notice that the mind has become caught up in stories, planning, analysing, worrying, hoping, despairing or any mental preoccupation allow your awareness to come back to the breath and the field of awareness that allows everything to come and go.
14. Give up all hope of figuring out in your mind how to meditate; that is just another mental preoccupation.
15. The field of awareness can also be experienced as blue-ocean of awareness and all mental and sensory awareness are like waves on the ocean.  When caught up in a wave, dissolve back into the ocean and just notice the rise all fall of the breath.
16. Surrender all positive feelings and insights to the field as well. Mindfulness meditation is not about trying to maintain any sort of state.  Rest as that which allows everything to come and go.